BACHIE IN PARADISE

 

Right, so MAFS is over (kinda glad, kinda miss it, mainly Ryan cause his sarcastic remarks to Davina were EVERYTHING) and we've now delved into week one of Bachelor in Paradise Australia and HOLY YAAAAS we could not be more excited for this trash tv thats finally graced our screens. In the words of the beloved Matty J who stole our hearts in 2017...

So thankfully, our Maccas loving spirit Animal Matty j's season, Tara is first off the bat to enter the love fest dungeon, ugh I mean paradise oasis and we could not be more thrilled! That woman is everything when it comes to on screen humour! Her and Oshy babe-with-the-swish-hair have a cute little flirt sesh, well really just awkward conversations (you can really tell Osh wants a bit more screen time here), A few more bachie folk (including the unfortunate Leah) roll on through and they all get acquainted (in person, officially, considering as most of them have slid into each other's instagram dm's). Now they're drinking but cocktails (or in Tara's case, perspiring like she's just walked into a McDonalds for the first time in 6 months), pairing up and being kind of boring actually (BOO THIS I CAME FOR THE DRAMA GUYS!) 

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Now I won't lie, the first episode is pretty boring.
Tara and Michael have hit it off, did he bribe her with a instagram advert? Im still waiting on Kiera to randomly rock up to start the shit storm. Flo's got 2 love interests, one of those love interest picks Leah (WHY ON EARTH) for a date which starts all the drama (good one producers) and then that love triangle goes into full swing even though Jake (the other dude) has apparently got a rep on the outside (shocker there!) and now Flo can't decide which boy she prefers, she's disappointed Davey chose Leah and legit has a full blown shock face reaction, like come on man, BRO CODE DUH πŸ™„then some other drama happens in that love triangle, or square cause, Leah and well look i'm already bloody confused at this stage so lets speed it up to episode two, but first of all, where the actual F is Jared and his pot plant? GIVE THE MAN A FRESH POT PLANT ALREADY!

Right, so its episode two and I won't lie, I've forgotten most of it because there was some absolutely backwards drama that we should all apparently know about but have to quickly scrounge through social media to find out about, so i'll shoot straight to the good parts, or lack there of?

KEIRA ARRIVES, HALLE-FKN-LUJAH... but, she's boring af so see ya laters,  no more screen time for you. I won't lie, her comment about Michaels teeth was absolutely golden!

Everyones discussing the rose ceremony and which chick will choose which dude. Davey's having an absolute panic attack whether or not Flo will choose him or Jake (cause he pied Leah off too soon, silly boy). 

Jake takes Flo on a date - which is actually so uncomfortably awkward to watch, great conversation guys, now go jump into the waterfall and make-out so the producers have some decent content to work with here.

SAM WITH THE SHIT HAIR arrives and all the chicks could not give a rats ass and politely pass on him (except Kiera of course). But seriously boy, invest in a hair brush!

The final arrival of the night (I think, lets be real who can keep up) was Laurina (for any of you who don't remember her, think 'dirty street pie') and my GOD her intro video and affirmation to herself was beyond comical, you do you girl, YOU DO YOU 😬.

Anyways, she has all the boys in flutters, takes some dude (who's name I cant for the life of me remember) on a date and blah blah blah we've hit the rose ceremony. No one actually cares about any of this EXCEPT for WHO ON EARTH WILL FLO CHOOSE πŸ€·πŸΌβ€β™€οΈ *insert ad break for dramatical effect* and BOOM she chooses bloody JAKE ELLIS (this is the dude with the 'bad rep' if anyone reading this hasn't watched the show). Thats me done though. i'm out, NEVER WATCHING AGAIN (until Sunday night of course cause i'm pretty sure Jared arrives and Kiera gets hella keen and i'm all for that drama) but seriously WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FLO? The boys club has now been broken and I couldn't be more devastated for them. 

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chloe burgess